Breaking and Entering
by Ghost Ibis
Summary: She is tired, having a bad day, and all she wants to do is get some rest. Of course, he has other plans.


_A/N: This is a crack-fic. Really.  
_

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The jingling of keys echoed in the barren hallway. One of the lights on the ceiling blinked twice then went out, plunging half the corridor into darkness. Sam groaned in frustration. Now she couldn't see which key unlocked her apartment, which didn't help her already soured mood. She just finished working a double shift, she was hungry and had drained two huge water bottles in the last three hours. Needless to say she really had to go to the bathroom. Sam quickly retrieved her cell phone and used the light to locate the correct key. Thank god for technology.

The door opened at last and Sam practically threw her phone along with her purse onto the counter and made a beeline for the bathroom, not even bothering to turn on the light. Once she relieved herself, she noticed just how…_hot_ it was. Sam frowned and wiped away the perspiration on her brow. Didn't she leave the air conditioner on? She knew it would hike up the utility bill but she liked the place cold, and having not been here for the last eighteen hours the place ought to be frigid. Sam dried her hands, then removed her business suit jacket and then the button up blouse for good measure. She walked down the dark hall to her bedroom in just her bra and skirt, and chucked them unceremoniously onto her bed. It was unlike her to be this messy (and exposed), but her environment right now was less than what she wanted it to be, and on top of that, she was more irritable at this time of the month.

_I'll just open a window_, Sam thought heading back to the living room trying to make the best of it. _That should let in a nice bree—_. She stopped short. The window was ajar, and she didn't remember opening it before leaving the house this morning.

Old instincts kicked in and she felt the familiar rush of adrenaline that accompanied former spy missions. Sam had old enemies, _vengeful_ psychopathic enemies. Moving away from the telltale window, she slowly did a 360 degree turn, eyes searching the entire room. She regretted not turning on the lights earlier but still she knew this place blindfolded, backwards and forwards. It was her apartment after all. _Hold on…_.her heart jumped as she heard something _shift_ in the darkness.

Sam carefully scooted around the furniture and scrambled over to the light switch on the wall. Whatever monster that was lurking in her apartment would be easier to face in the light. She breathed a sigh of relief when light flooded the room and no one was there. As a precaution, she checked the next room as well and then the rest of the rooms, including the closets.

Sam shut the last door and frowned. She must be paranoid, she could have sworn…

Her stomach growled suddenly, immediately switching her focus to her hunger. At least now she could eat without having to worry about any uninvited guests. Sam treaded to the kitchen in search of food. However, she was sorely disappointed. For one thing, the light didn't turn on in the fridge. The light bulb must have burned out…and the whole damned thing had stopped running! Now she would have to go grocery shopping again, and she just freaking went _yesterday_.

Suddenly the lights went off plunging her into darkness once again. _What the hell?_ Sam let out a growl of frustration. Things were NOT going right today. Everything that could possibly annoy her had shown up on her doorstep. She sighed and cursed her fate, then groped around in the kitchen, fumbling through drawers in search of candles. She managed to find three and used the last match to light them. They flickered eerily and cast ghostly shadows on the walls.

That done, she used the meager light to search for her cell phone. First thing was to call maintenance to fix those lights and her fridge, and then maybe she could order some takeout before going to bed. She located her purse, and all but dumped out the contents in search for her cell. _Wait a minute, didn't I leave that on the counter?_

"Looking for this?" Sam's eyes widened and she looked up, noticing a tiny square light floating in the living room. It was the light from her phone, and it was being held by…

"Tim Scam!" Sam recognized that baritone voice anywhere, even in the dark, and it still sent shivers down her spine. Faint beams from the street lights shone through the window, eclipsing his tall frame, and all she could make out was his silhouette surrounded by a halo of white light. "What are _you_ doing here?" She demanded, more angry than afraid.

He grinned, pearly teeth flashing, and tossed her phone from side to side, catching it lazily. "Nice to see you again, Samantha…_really nice_…"

The light from outside was shining in her direction and it took Sam a moment to realize that Scam could see her quite clearly: lacy bra, stocking feet, wrinkled skirt and all. With a shriek she fled back to her room and threw on her blouse, hastily buttoning it up to preserve some of her decency…and dignity.

Amused laughter rang from the other room.

_What was he doing here?_ Sam had left WOOHP and that kind of life behind years ago. She thought that past would stay buried and she could get on her with her life. Recently she had heard that many of the villains had done their time and were set free. She never thought that Tim Scam would be one of them. Now she wished she hadn't given up all her gadgets.

Cursing, she scrambled out and closed the bedroom door behind her. The last thing Sam wanted was for him to corner her in_ there_. But he hadn't moved from the living room. "Don't you have something else better to do than to break into my apartment?" she demanded indignantly.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I got in?" Scam replied, not even acknowledging the fact that he had just seen more of her than most boys she dated in high school.

"I _know_ how you got in here, Scam!" Sam pointed to the window. "And you can leave the same way!"

He flipped her phone shut and tossed it in her direction. She just barely caught it before it hit her nose. Sam looked back to see that he had walked over to the window, but had no intention of climbing out. It slammed shut with a sound of finality.

_Uh oh_. This situation would seem a lot less threatening if it weren't so dark. Sam spun around and desperately flipped the light switch up and down. "Dammit! Why don't these lights work!"

"The same reason the phone doesn't work. And the gas, and the electricity…"

"What the _hell_, Scam! That's why my air conditioner isn't on? It's so freaking _hot_!"

He shrugged, unfazed by her outburst. "I like it hot."

Sam fumed, her face nearly matching the color of her hair. "I don't _care_ what you…Ergh! Why the hell are you here?"

She immediately regretted taking that tone with him as he advanced on her like a predator, closing the distance between them in four long strides. His palms pressed flat against the wall on either side of her head. "I'm here, because I want to be."

"Now you've been irritated since you got here. Something's bothering you," his voice adopted an unusually concerned tone that conflicted with the little consideration he had for her personal space.

"You're bothering me," she snapped.

"C'mon. You can tell me." The candlelight had a weird effect on his face. His dark green orbs seemed soft, and something bordering compassion flickered across his features.

Sam hesitated. "I've had a really tough day," she admitted.

His eyes dropped to her mouth than slid back to her eyes. "I think I can help with that…"

"You're making it worse!" Sam said, her cheeks reddening. For the first time that night she was grateful for the darkness. "Now get out. You can go down the stairs or out the window, your choice."

"I'm not leaving."

Sam was afraid he'd say that. Former spy or not, she was still no match for him physically and forcing him out without the use of her old spy gadgets was hardly an option. "_Fine_ then. That's just…_fine_—"Her stomach suddenly growled and her face turned a darker shade of red.

Sam ducked from underneath his arm and quickly paced back to the kitchen. _Maybe if I just ignore him_… She began opening and closing cabinets, and not very quietly either, in search of something canned and easy to heat up.

"Now what are you doing?" His voice laced with a bit of annoyance at being disregarded.

Her fists slammed onto the counter, and she turned her neck slowly, summoning as much venom as she could. "_Look_, Scam. I don't have the patience to babysit your giant ego."

He frowned at that.

"I've worked sixteen straight hours and I haven't eaten since two this afternoon. Now please, shut the _hell up_ and give me some peace." Villain or not, he couldn't fight a woman who's in…_that mood_. Whatever plans he had in mind could wait until this hurricane of a woman settled down. Scam raised his hands halfway in surrender and backed off, leaning an elbow on the bar top.

"The microwave doesn't work by the way." He commented upon seeing her food selection.

Sam tightened the grip on the canned soup she was about to open and had half a mind to throw it at him. "And _why_ did you shut off everything in my apartment?" she seethed.

"Oh I didn't shut off _everything_," replied Scam deviously. "I left the water alone, just in case you wanted to…take a shower, or…" He just barely dodged the can hurled in his direction and turned back to see Sam raiding through her cabinets again, pulling out anything and everything in blind fury.

Crackers, oatmeal, pop tarts, boxes of cereal…cereal? That could work. Easiest fix ever. Now all she needed was…

Sam stomped back to her not-working fridge and pulled out half a gallon of milk, still a little cool, and removed the top. It smelled halfway decent.

"Cereal?"

Samantha didn't look up as she retrieved a bowl and a spoon, but the sarcasm in her voice was evident. "Yes, Scam. It's cereal, or are you as blind as you are annoying?" She hoisted the box up, about to dump out a whole mess of it when…

"Let me take you out."

The spoon clattered in the empty bowl, and Sam turned her head not sure if she heard correctly. "What?"

"I'll take you out to dinner."

Sam blinked. "It's one in the morning," she said, hands still holding the box in the air. Her logic wasn't quite following the train of thought that it should be.

"Tomorrow night then."

"What? No!"

"This isn't a request, Sam."

She put the box down calmly, her mouth working up an argument and failing to find one. This sudden change in banter had thrown her off. "Then what is it?"

He crossed the room in four long, easy strides. "It's a mandate," he said, almost threateningly, and then he was towering over her. He placed his hands on the counter on either side of her and leaned in.

"Do you understand?" His eyes glittered dangerously. All she could do was nod. Satisfied, Scam turned away and walked to the door. "Sorry about your refrigerator. I shut it off a while ago. Didn't think you'd be back so late." Sam gaped at him. Just how long had he been here?

He placed a hand on the door knob. "I'll be back here at eight." He paused. "And you might want to buy some curtains. It's why I shut your lights off in the first place. You have a peeping Tom across the street—I had to break his telescope."

He left noiselessly except for the small click of the door as it shut behind him. Shaking slightly, she locked it after him. This was too much to take in one night: the prospect of having dinner with such a…beast, and the fact that some pervert had been watching her for all the months she'd been living here.

All of a sudden, Sam wasn't so hungry anymore.

Five minutes later after fumbling around in the dark for her pajamas, light suddenly flooded the kitchen. The lamp in her bedroom was working now too, and the familiar sound of the refrigerator hummed down the hallway. The air conditioner droned back to life, engulfing her with its heavenly breath of cool air. Sam sighed in relief and began to reset all her digital clocks, which blinked _12:00_ in eerie red.

Ho boy, this turned out to be quite a night.

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_A/N: Like I said, it's crack and doesn't make much sense. But I finally found this years after I thought I lost it. Had to post it._


End file.
